Rough afternoon but you guess you can do it, this is it! Today is the day. Slowly unveil the blanket from your face as the scorching sun rays strike your eyes directly through the corner of the window, the rest being covered by curtains. You stretch your legs, your hands still trembling out of fear but your heart saying that’s the only way. The AC’s at 20 degrees, high speed fan on yet your face and body are sweating constantly, anxiousness increasing every second.
You slowly open the door and peep outside, as your mom picks up her laptop bag and car keys as she shouts on her phone call – “I’m on my way” probably never to realize you are home, left alone. Of course, it shouldn’t matter as you are 18, you can take care of yourself, or that’s what they think for themselves. Your dad as usual is at the hospital probably operating on some poor old man. You slowly close the door and move towards the window, stealthily sliding the curtains to see your little brother playing with a sponge ball and mud, in the garden, laughing loud as he knows nothing whatsoever about the times he’ll face later on. You reminiscence yourself at that age, a wry smile and a tear occur spontaneously.
Close the curtain back, you have got to hurry, rush through the hall to climb the attic and grab the rope, then for alternative choice go to your room, slip under the bed to pick up the pills, shivering, you walk across the hall to kitchen to get knife, a bottle of water in your favorite purple colored Tupperware bottle, then grab a notepad and pen, you finally sit on your bed, you can feel your pulse jump up the roof, and you are so silent that all the sounds that you can listen is from the AC, fan and your heartbeat, lucky for you that your brother is far away so you can’t hear him chuckle before the last moment, obviously that might hold your back from doing anything.
Then open your notepad, but your brain is blank, eyes frozen, you have nothing to write though you have so much to say, you just can’t write, but you want to. Whom to blame for anything? Who is responsible for everything? You know who it is, or wait you don’t know! Will the note make any difference? Will they even bother to read? Some might, they love you or do they? All the thoughts get squashed up in your mind and you feel like finishing everything at that instant but then you think about your parents, without the note they’ll blame themselves, obviously. Without the note, your brother will probably know nothing about your feeling, even when he grows up. So it’s important.
Then you start writing, taking the blame on yourself, then scratch the line because you aren’t the primary reason, you are a loner, parents don’t care, brother not old enough to care, crush doesn’t even know you exist, teachers discourage your alternative methods of answering or your constant questioning, friends have their own priorities then you are there all alone, on top of a cliff, trying to balance but you can’t, your whole life appears to be a lie as you stare at the paper and the tears rolling down wets the ink making the word parents appear as a blurred extended print of the letter P.
You close the note pad and throw it against the wall with frustration and rage mixed together in the right proportion that just gives you a push for the ultimate. You have to decide between pills or the rope, and then choose the rope as you know your mom would peep in the room to think you are sleeping and not know the reality for long time if you chose pills.
Then jump up, pick up the rope and knife, switch off the fan. You can literally feel your death already as your heart is pouncing out of your chest, all your body covered in sweat, but you are thinking about your goals that’ll never be met and your future never set. The moment appears closer and closer and your decision becomes more and more doubtful but you continue, you can’t handle anymore. You tie the one end of the rope firmly to the fan and the other round your gentle neck that is too slippery for the rope to be aligned due to sweat. Then you let go, of everything, you start to hang in there, though you stopped to hang in your life, your neck crackles and you can still listen, with your upper and lower jaw start to crush themselves too damn hard as the wind moves the curtains, you see your brother laughing and running all around in the garden, even with the nerve wrecking pain, you see him and smile, smile before your last breath. The AC being still on chills your calf muscles as the blood becomes to disappear and your body slowly turns white.
Almost evening and dark clouds set in, the heavy heat slowly transforms into cool weather, starting to drizzle. Your brother gets in, throws the sponge ball and leaving the footprint with mud traced all across the floor and slowly opens your bedroom door. To see you hanging up there, just like a bat to a big gulmohar tree, motionless. He is confused about the so called incomprehensible action of yours, staring at you for five seconds. Then rushes to you, shakes your legs calling you ‘Anna, Anna!’ but in vain, there’s nothing that’s happening, nothing that’ll happen. Then rushes across the hall to pick up the landline and call your mother and all that he hears is that the phone is switched off, and so is your dad’s. Then runs across to knock at your neighbors just to find out that the door being locked, they are busy with their lives. Such a moment with his frustration and an inexplicable feeling that he feels which is masked by his childlike attitude and innocence as he tries to climb onto your legs to reach your neck, but in vain.
Then just stares at your body as your legs becomes colder and colder and your body whiter and whiter. It begins to rain heavily, the dusk quietly sets in. Late night and your parents arrive, listening to their car sound, your brother rushes across and opening the door screams out to them “Anna is not talking, Anna is not moving, he’s up, he’s up!” perplexed parents run to your bedroom to see you up, hanging. Oh god! What a feeling, shocking, stunned, frustrated, anger, emotional, all the feelings get combined as your parents stand at the door frozen for few seconds. Your dad just falls down, knee facing the ground and your mom cries out so loud that it scares the skies which lead to tremendous thunder; they didn’t know anything that was going on within you. That’s it, everything ceases to make sense as your dad places his hands tightly on his head and your mom is sitting and crying resting her back to the wall, while your brother is constantly asking what happened knowing nothing whatsoever the times he’ll face then on. Everyone is blamed, nothing seems to change. Your life as all knew becomes a past, though the sweet sound of your laughter constantly keeps ringing inside your parents head as they still have no idea what happened that led to this.
But I know, that if at all your soul still exists, hovering around after you die, seeing the consequence you’d surely want to come back alive. Or maybe, you’ll never care either, may be the reason you made that decision was because you didn’t love yourself enough. Maybe you are the reason.